Did you hear!? Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne are engaged! Big Canadian news! I really have nothing against either of them. I’m not a huge fan of either, but I am certainly not a hater either. But why is it such a big deal and why do I feel so strangely about it?
WHY IS IT WEIRD?
When I first read about Chavril’s engagement on Twitter, I thought “uhhgg, weird. How did that happen?” I was kind of grossed out at first, and for no good reason. Then I realized it was because they are two of the biggest Canadian artists that we all just love to hate. Maybe you’re jealous that Avril can pull off wearing boys’ underwear (when apparently that’s weird for the rest of us girls to do) or that Chad has the hair of an angel and you’re a 24 year old baldy. Maybe you’re angry because they are two of the biggest names in Canadian music but don’t make any good music that Canadians can be proud of. Or maybe you feel they lack talent in writing thought-provoking lyrics yet Mr. Kroeger makes enough loonies to afford a 24-karat (?!) diamond engagement ring. (I imagine him wearing a kilt and swimming in his loonie-vault like Scrooge McDuck.) Whatever the reason, we like to dislike them.
And now they have found each other! How lovely, right? But weird. I didn’t think sk8er gurls went for Albertan cock-rockers ten years their senior. But then I recalled that Avril once did a cover of Metallica on stage and Nickelback is basically a poor man’s Canadian Metallica, so it makes more sense. Poppy punk + cock-rock = POPPYCOCK! I just love word play. I’m probably going to marry it. (YOU: “Where are all the song lyric puns then?” ME: Shut up.)
WHY IS THIS A BIG DEAL?
The British had their Royal Wedding in April 2011 when William and Kate tied the knot. It was a real-life Cinderella story. Now Canada gets to have its Royal Wedding: Chavril. First of all, that name: Chavril. We are a classy bunch, Canada. And in case having the beaver, moose, and Mounties aren’t funny enough icons, now we’ll have plates and tins with Chavril’s wedding picture, and dolls of them (each holding a guitar). Maybe they’ll do an album together and they’ll cover some Barenaked Ladies, Bryan Adams, Celine Dion, and the Canadian national anthem. Eat it up world! This is what we are! It’s actually pretty funny the more I think about it. Why wouldn’t two big Canadian musicians join forces in holy matrimony? Oh Canada, you’re so cute.
Canada’s Royal Wedding will be just as pleasant as the British Royal Wedding was, only less elegant and more…..Canadian (read: practical). Here are some of my predictions for the Chavril nuptials, using my Canadian experience and keeping in mind Chavril’s background:
- a rural setting (a lake perhaps)
- lots of devil horn hand gestures
- black and/or studded leather
- mesh-back trucker hats (top hat style?)
- beer bong
- leather wrist bands
- lawn chairs (with bows) & elegant picnic tables
- blood red roses & gothic feel
- ladies: black eye liner
- men: hair gel
- Avril in a Gwen Stefani-style dress & a black tie (half Windsor)
- Chad in sunglasses and leather suit jacket with tails
They should just hire me to plan the event because obviously I know everything about them. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with any of these wedding choices or the fact that these two are getting’ hitched. Let’s just embrace our Canadian-ness, appreciate Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger for who they are, and be happy for them! Because afterall, he’s just a boy and she’s just a girl. Can I make it anymore obvious? CONGRATULATIONS CHAVRIL! (invite me)