Evil Dead or Deadly Dumb? Why I Can’t Handle Horror

Last night I made the terrible mistake of watching the movie Evil Dead (the new one).  It wasn’t a bad movie–it was HORRIBLE.  Because horror movies are not at all my cup o’ tea.  However, this was exactly what you would want and expect in an Evil Dead  movie, so yey for that.  But people chopping off limbs and faces, AND (spoiler alert) releasing the devil–AGAIN.  Will they never learn?!  So to maintain my sanity and reassure myself that it’s all just pretend (HAHAHA *awkward laugh*), I have complied a list of things to avoid unless you and four of your pals want to find yourselves in the same situation.

1.  Cabin in the Woods

Say that again?  You’re going off to an old, dilapidated cabin in the middle of Fog Forest, Nowhere, that lacks cell reception, no one has visited in years, and is only accessible by a single dirt road that becomes a raging river when it rains?  Oh, sure, go right ahead and get MURDERED.  Idiots.

2.  Invite a Dickhead

Every horror story has that one guy (or girl, but usually a guy — jerks) that has some beef with one or more of the other characters.  He’ll be the one to go against the grain of everyone else because he’s got some stuuuuupid bone to pick with the hero.  Then he’ll be the one who just HAS to open up some barbed wire-wrapped Satanic curse book and proceed to read ALOUD the various hell-releasing words on its pages.  Dickhead!  Do yourself a favour and leave this guy at home.  The woods are scary enough without some ironically-dressed grumpy bear who just sits in his room all day reading the Devil Pages.  And as if he’ll be the one to survive the whole thing and clean up the bloody mess he’s made.  NOPE!  He’ll die.  Second to last.  How convenient.

3.  Stay in Touch With Sensitive SIde

What’s that?  The only way to end this unimaginable string of violence is to kill the first possessed friend in a very specific way?  But–but– they’re your best friend/family/lover, how can you do that to them?  How could you dismember or burn to death or bury alive someone so dear to you?  So they made the sky rain blood.  So their eyes turned yellow and their voice became demonic and their mouth turned black.  So what!?  You grew up with this person and they’re still human!  Right………?  Grab a brain, you too-beautiful-to-die MORON.  Think about someone other than your pretty little self for once.  You can cry about it later while you write in your journal.  But right now you have to stop Satan, remember?

4.  Pretend You Know Everything

– Is your friend quitting meth/coke/crack cold-turkey?  Head to the woods.  There’s no way you might, on the off chance, possibly need to seek advice from a medical professional in case of some unforeseen emergency.
– Did your friend get stabbed in the chest?  Just pull that blade out.  Don’t worry about the blood loss, patch it up with some toilet paper and duct tape.  Ta-da!
– Girlfriend just chop her ARM off?!  Not to worry, you have MORE DUCT TAPE!  Gently wrap that around her stump, the bleeding will stop once it scabs over (?!?!).  And no need to consider that she may now be mentally INSANE since she just sawed her OWN ARM OFF — it’s probably just PMS.  Ugh, women!

You’re the hero, you know what’s going on and how to fix it all.

So get out there and enjoy the outdoors this summer, but don’t be a stupid-head.  We can all learn from horror movie history (including THREE versions Evil Dead) instead of continuing the tradition of dying in the woods.  Not that anything remotely similar to this would EVER happen in real life.  HAHAHAHA! (*awkward laugh*) …..Thank God for daylight.