Evil Dead or Deadly Dumb? Why I Can’t Handle Horror

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Last night I made the terrible mistake of watching the movie Evil Dead (the new one).  It wasn’t a bad movie–it was HORRIBLE.  Because horror movies are not at all my cup o’ tea.  However, this was exactly what you would want and expect in an Evil Dead  movie, so yey for that.  But people chopping off limbs and faces, AND (spoiler alert) releasing the devil–AGAIN.  Will they never learn?!  So to maintain my sanity and reassure myself that it’s all just pretend (HAHAHA *awkward laugh*), I have complied a list of things to avoid unless you and four of your pals want to find yourselves in the same situation.

1.  Cabin in the Woods

Say that again?  You’re going off to an old, dilapidated cabin in the middle of Fog Forest, Nowhere, that lacks cell reception, no one has visited in years, and is only accessible by a single dirt road that becomes a raging river when it rains?  Oh, sure, go right ahead and get MURDERED.  Idiots.

2.  Invite a Dickhead

Every horror story has that one guy (or girl, but usually a guy — jerks) that has some beef with one or more of the other characters.  He’ll be the one to go against the grain of everyone else because he’s got some stuuuuupid bone to pick with the hero.  Then he’ll be the one who just HAS to open up some barbed wire-wrapped Satanic curse book and proceed to read ALOUD the various hell-releasing words on its pages.  Dickhead!  Do yourself a favour and leave this guy at home.  The woods are scary enough without some ironically-dressed grumpy bear who just sits in his room all day reading the Devil Pages.  And as if he’ll be the one to survive the whole thing and clean up the bloody mess he’s made.  NOPE!  He’ll die.  Second to last.  How convenient.

3.  Stay in Touch With Sensitive SIde

What’s that?  The only way to end this unimaginable string of violence is to kill the first possessed friend in a very specific way?  But–but– they’re your best friend/family/lover, how can you do that to them?  How could you dismember or burn to death or bury alive someone so dear to you?  So they made the sky rain blood.  So their eyes turned yellow and their voice became demonic and their mouth turned black.  So what!?  You grew up with this person and they’re still human!  Right………?  Grab a brain, you too-beautiful-to-die MORON.  Think about someone other than your pretty little self for once.  You can cry about it later while you write in your journal.  But right now you have to stop Satan, remember?

4.  Pretend You Know Everything

– Is your friend quitting meth/coke/crack cold-turkey?  Head to the woods.  There’s no way you might, on the off chance, possibly need to seek advice from a medical professional in case of some unforeseen emergency.
– Did your friend get stabbed in the chest?  Just pull that blade out.  Don’t worry about the blood loss, patch it up with some toilet paper and duct tape.  Ta-da!
– Girlfriend just chop her ARM off?!  Not to worry, you have MORE DUCT TAPE!  Gently wrap that around her stump, the bleeding will stop once it scabs over (?!?!).  And no need to consider that she may now be mentally INSANE since she just sawed her OWN ARM OFF — it’s probably just PMS.  Ugh, women!

You’re the hero, you know what’s going on and how to fix it all.

So get out there and enjoy the outdoors this summer, but don’t be a stupid-head.  We can all learn from horror movie history (including THREE versions Evil Dead) instead of continuing the tradition of dying in the woods.  Not that anything remotely similar to this would EVER happen in real life.  HAHAHAHA! (*awkward laugh*) …..Thank God for daylight.

The Sweater Zeppelins Present: FUN BAG FUNNY HOUR

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AHHHHHHH!!!  It’s almost time and I can hardly stand it!
My new sketch comedy group of ladies, The Sweater Zeppelins, is presenting our first show in Vancouver.  We have worked hard the last few months writing and producing this gem.  Check us out on Facebook for updates and news.

Poster!Tickets are $10 at the door, but you should buy in advance HERE so we don’t have to turn you away at the door as the Havana Theatre has rather limited seating.
Show starts at 8:00 pm each night, and Havana is also a restaurant with delicious Cuban food.  You should eat there too.

We are all very excited!  Look at this picture of us:

I get to work with the bold Ellie Heath (upper right), the spunky Megan McLachlan (lower left), and we are being directed by the ingenious Nikolai Witschl (he’s a man, but we forgive him).
We have been working really hard to make this show something original and memorable, and we are all really proud of what we’ve created.  So come and see what goes on in our brains, I DARE YOU!


Resolve to Set Your Goals

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2013

It’s 2013 — HAPPY NEW YEAR!  And if there’s anything I’ve learned from the past year, it’s that a) this 10 pounds didn’t show up on my mid-section from eating too healthy, and that b) this year will be the year of happenings!  And I don’t mean apocalypses.

I read a great quote today in a magazine for yoga-doers that compared setting intentions to setting goals.  I have many intentions.  Many hopes and dreams and fleeting ideas.  Intentions are about living in the moment.  Goals, however, are about “envisioning a future outcome…then planning, applying discipline, and working hard to achieve” them.  When I read that I realized that I have not been working hard and applying discipline.  I get all cranky and annoyed because great things are happening to all these hard-working people around me while I wither away in a drab office everyday.

Well not this year!  The year 2013 is going to be a year of change!  New Mayan calendar cycle = new leaf turning-over.  This is my public declaration!  No more pity parties, no more sitting idly for things to magically happen for me.  I’m going to work hard, apply discipline, visualize my goals, and make things happen!  And so what if it’s taken me 28 years to get to the point I’m at (whatever point that is), the journey of life is different for everyone.  Some people become successful at an early age.  Others discover their calling later in life.  However it happens, we all get to enjoy each other’s talents at some point.  Hopefully I get to that point before I’m 67 years old.

I’ve known people who set goals for themselves regularly in order to stay on their desired path (of righteousness?) and I have oft thought that to be weird or new age-y.  But it may just be what I need to stay on/find my track.  Today I set some goals for myself.  Some short-term, some a little longer, but all for this year.  Deadlines.  But they SHOULD be called LIFE-lines!  HAHAHAHAHA!  Enough.  But seriously, I set goals to give myself something tangible to achieve in order to pave the way to achieve greater goals – conquests even – in years to come.  I find that I get overwhelmed by life and the many great things that I wish to accomplish, but I don’t know what to do now to make those big things happen.  Setting smaller goals helps to pave the way to the greater goals, like building blocks of a great pyramid.  I’m such a sage.  You may refer to me as Sage Guru Master Vaneesha.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go do some writing.  And maybe even work out.  Go set yourself some goals, maybe some intentions, and get back to me with your life’s accomplishments as they happen.  I would love to hear from you. 

May the universe smile upon you,
Sage Guru Master Vaneesha

3 Reasons Why Taking a Break is Good for Your ART

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Having a passion to be passionate about fills my heart with such passion.  But there are those times when being fully immersed in said passion can wear you down and start affecting your work.  Passionately.  Especially when, as humans, we live for so much more than just one thing.

Allow yourself the opportunity to take a brief break from doing what you love.  I myself had no stand up shows in the last two weeks, which was crappy, but then I had a really great set at Yuk Yuk’s on Wednesday .  I’m not talking about taking a nine-month hiatus because you have better things to do in the warmer months of the year, just embrace a break when one comes along instead of cursing it.  It’ll make you a better passionateer.

1) Time to Reflect

For me, not having to go on a stage for two weeks to retell the same handful of jokes that I’ve been working on was a blessing.  I came back with a fresh approach and appreciation for my material which had me more excited and the audience enjoyed it more.  And while you may not being doing shows, you can still be writing new material, exploring older stuff, or trying to come at your material from a different prospective, all of which will make you a more exciting and engaging performer when you hit the stage again!

2) A Chance to Heal

Even the most confident person can have their feelings hurt like a little girl in the schoolyard.  Even comedians are humans that have feeeeelings.  And there are times when you have show after show that just doesn’t go the way you’d hope, and that can really get to a person.  Comedians have the tendency to become jaded and fall into a downward spiral of negativity when they’re in this type of situation.  But the thing is, this happens to everyone.

Taking a brief intermission from doing shows five nights a week can give you a much-needed chance to focus on the many other aspects of your life for a moment and allow you to regain your confidence and come back at full strength.  On Wednesday night, I had no preconceived notion of how the show would go, I got up there and delivered joke after BRILLIANT joke with the confidence of a thousand nonchalant house cats because I felt fresh again.  Meow, bitches.

3) Take a Load Off

Constantly being “on” is tiring and stressful.  Taking a break means that you can be more casual about your brainstorming and writing.  It’s like anything, if it’s forced, it’s harder and less sincere.  Working with less pressure gives your brain the freedom to find the funny in anything, instead of searching for it in everything. 

When you find yourself under those stage lights again, you’ll find your jokes more fun to perform and easier to play around with because you’ll be free of all the stress and anxiety that tends accumulate. 

Taking a break: It’s a day spa for your wits.

5 Ways Stand Up Comedy Is Like a Zombie Apocalypse

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Maybe it’s the excessive amount of TheWalking Dead that I’ve been exposed to lately, or maybe it’s the recent mentoring that I’ve received from comedy Guild Master Kyle Bottom and friends, but I’ve come to realize that doing stand up comedy is a lot like living through a zombie apocalypse.

1) Survival of the Fittest

Competition is essential during a zombie apocalypse, and it’s equally as important in a stand up setting.  Bold statement?  Perhaps.

Everyone wants to be the best writer/leader, get the most laughs/kills, be the most recognized ont the street/famous on the battlefield, and those that are no good often drop off the radar pretty quick.  Competition is good because it forces us to be better and, let’s face it, the weak are just not worth having around (they make good bait though).  So keep your skills sharp, your wits sharper, and your weapons sharpest. 

2) Getting By With a Little Help From Your Friends

During an outbreak of a mystery virus that is causing people to turn into monsters that eat flesh, it’s important to stick together and work as a team.  Although everyone is competing to survive, helping each other survive will contribute to a successful survival process even more.

Just like in the comedy world where people are competing for stage time, gauging their progress against others, and being jealous, people have to remember to stick together and build relationships as well as jokes.  You need a support system when you’re performing/slaying zombs.  People with whom you have things in common.  With comedy especially (I’ve never lived through a zombie end-of-days, so I can’t speak from experience), the whole stand up world can seem so abstract and ethereal, so talking with other people in your situation can make things feel more real and concrete, your goals more realistic and attainable. So buddy up!

3) Equal Rights, Right?

“In the criminal justice system there are two separate yet equally important groups: the police who investigate crime, and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders”.  Similarly, society and comedy both need the variance of two groups, men and women, to maintain order. 

Each provide their own unique and valuable outlook, opinion, and thought process, and contribute equally to creating a diverse and balanced survival environment.  Men hunt, women bear kids.  Men make dick jokes, women make jokes about dick jokes.  Balance. 

4) Getting Eaten Alive

Depending on your situation in relation to this post, you may either be in danger of being eaten alive by a very tough audience OR of actually being eaten alive.  By the undead.  There is always an element of danger, no matter how prepared you are or safe you feel.

People always comment on stand up comedians being so brave for being able to get up on stage in front of an audience of strangers.  And I’m sure they’d say that of apocalypse survivors too….if they were still alive to say it.  But they’re probably too busy trying to eat the survivors.  Sometimes when you are most confident, danger is most imminent.  Not to say that confidence is bad, it’s very important.  Equally as important as maintaining a humble heart.

5) Carrying a Weapon

Everyone knows that it’s important to have some sort of weapon on you at all times during a zombie apocalypse.  Preferably something powerful and not too noisy.  Likewise, comedians always need to have a couple of quick quips in their back pockets to shoot back at a heckler, or to pick up the energy in a dying set.  Either way, a few back-pocketers in the ol’ repertoire are always handy.  This way, no matter what, you’ll always be SLAYING!

***

Remember, we all have to be able to laugh through life’s hardest moments, whether your baby’s arm just got gnawed off by a zombie, or you just bombed in a room full of talent scouts.  It’s all good, just keep at it.  Prepare by honing your skills in either stand up or combat and you’ll be successful at BOTH!  Survive and thrive!

4 Ways Stand Up Comedy Makes You a Better Writer

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Writing is writing is writing, and no matter what kind you do, the goal is always the same. You want to get your point across as effectively, clearly, and concisely as possible. Unless of course your name is Herman Melville–geez, that guy!  I’ve tried to read Moby Dick like three times, and only ever get 12 pages in. Herman, read this post!

While my “professional” writing experience has been limited to stand up and sketch comedy and a couple of plays, the same rules apply. What I have learned from all this funny business is useful information for writing of all kinds.

1. Be Concise

The point of all writing is to get your point across in as few words as possible to make the most impact. Comedy is all about this. I’ve written before on the importance of being concise because, especially with stand up, no one wants to hear the five minutes of long-winded background to a joke – they want to hear the punch-lines. And if you want your readers to stay with you on your writing quests, you have to give them what they came for. Treasure!!

Cut out redundencies, choose words carefully, and create the best structure to accomplish max impact. BOOM!

2. Know Your Audience

While it may be a mutual dream for us all to write for our target audience (people with our same brains and funny bones), this is rarely the case. And we all want to spread our field of influence to gain a greater audience, right?  Right. Sometimes this means adjusting your voice to suit the type of audience that you are writing for in a particular case. I’m not going to go do a gig at a high school and tell all the dirtiest, cussiest jokes I know (I don’t actually have any…) because that would be considered “inappropriate”. Apparently. Depending on the assignment, you should adjust your tone, word use, structure, or length to accommodate a certain demographic.

3. People Pleasers

As with all art, writing is subjective and it’s impossible to please everyone with every single thing you write. There will always be some stupid dumb know-nothing idiot who doesn’t like your work or your opinion or your punctuation use, and they can all go straight to HECK!?!?!! But it is important to appeal to the audience with your writing and give people a reason to read/listen to your work.

People may offer you criticism, and you can take it or leave it, but rejection is and always will be part of the writing game. I wrote a post just last week about how accepting feedback helps you grow as a writer. Do what you love to the best of your abilities.  Keep your fans/followers/readers happy as long as it keeps you happy, and your audience will continue to grow.

4. Practise Makes Perfect

Most normal people have to really work hard to become great at the thing they are passionate about.  There are weird freaks who are naturally skilled at EVERYTHING (dicks), but they’re exceptions to the rule. Big, stupid exceptions. But as with comedic pursuits, writing is not something that people are just going to automatically start paying you for because you’re so wonderful. You have to pay your dues, do a LOT of free work, and practise perfecting your craft. But if you’re doing what you love, then doing it should be enjoyable, so no sweat!