Evil Dead or Deadly Dumb? Why I Can’t Handle Horror

Last night I made the terrible mistake of watching the movie Evil Dead (the new one).  It wasn’t a bad movie–it was HORRIBLE.  Because horror movies are not at all my cup o’ tea.  However, this was exactly what you would want and expect in an Evil Dead  movie, so yey for that.  But people chopping off limbs and faces, AND (spoiler alert) releasing the devil–AGAIN.  Will they never learn?!  So to maintain my sanity and reassure myself that it’s all just pretend (HAHAHA *awkward laugh*), I have complied a list of things to avoid unless you and four of your pals want to find yourselves in the same situation.

1.  Cabin in the Woods

Say that again?  You’re going off to an old, dilapidated cabin in the middle of Fog Forest, Nowhere, that lacks cell reception, no one has visited in years, and is only accessible by a single dirt road that becomes a raging river when it rains?  Oh, sure, go right ahead and get MURDERED.  Idiots.

2.  Invite a Dickhead

Every horror story has that one guy (or girl, but usually a guy — jerks) that has some beef with one or more of the other characters.  He’ll be the one to go against the grain of everyone else because he’s got some stuuuuupid bone to pick with the hero.  Then he’ll be the one who just HAS to open up some barbed wire-wrapped Satanic curse book and proceed to read ALOUD the various hell-releasing words on its pages.  Dickhead!  Do yourself a favour and leave this guy at home.  The woods are scary enough without some ironically-dressed grumpy bear who just sits in his room all day reading the Devil Pages.  And as if he’ll be the one to survive the whole thing and clean up the bloody mess he’s made.  NOPE!  He’ll die.  Second to last.  How convenient.

3.  Stay in Touch With Sensitive SIde

What’s that?  The only way to end this unimaginable string of violence is to kill the first possessed friend in a very specific way?  But–but– they’re your best friend/family/lover, how can you do that to them?  How could you dismember or burn to death or bury alive someone so dear to you?  So they made the sky rain blood.  So their eyes turned yellow and their voice became demonic and their mouth turned black.  So what!?  You grew up with this person and they’re still human!  Right………?  Grab a brain, you too-beautiful-to-die MORON.  Think about someone other than your pretty little self for once.  You can cry about it later while you write in your journal.  But right now you have to stop Satan, remember?

4.  Pretend You Know Everything

– Is your friend quitting meth/coke/crack cold-turkey?  Head to the woods.  There’s no way you might, on the off chance, possibly need to seek advice from a medical professional in case of some unforeseen emergency.
– Did your friend get stabbed in the chest?  Just pull that blade out.  Don’t worry about the blood loss, patch it up with some toilet paper and duct tape.  Ta-da!
– Girlfriend just chop her ARM off?!  Not to worry, you have MORE DUCT TAPE!  Gently wrap that around her stump, the bleeding will stop once it scabs over (?!?!).  And no need to consider that she may now be mentally INSANE since she just sawed her OWN ARM OFF — it’s probably just PMS.  Ugh, women!

You’re the hero, you know what’s going on and how to fix it all.

So get out there and enjoy the outdoors this summer, but don’t be a stupid-head.  We can all learn from horror movie history (including THREE versions Evil Dead) instead of continuing the tradition of dying in the woods.  Not that anything remotely similar to this would EVER happen in real life.  HAHAHAHA! (*awkward laugh*) …..Thank God for daylight.

Resolve to Set Your Goals

2013

It’s 2013 — HAPPY NEW YEAR!  And if there’s anything I’ve learned from the past year, it’s that a) this 10 pounds didn’t show up on my mid-section from eating too healthy, and that b) this year will be the year of happenings!  And I don’t mean apocalypses.

I read a great quote today in a magazine for yoga-doers that compared setting intentions to setting goals.  I have many intentions.  Many hopes and dreams and fleeting ideas.  Intentions are about living in the moment.  Goals, however, are about “envisioning a future outcome…then planning, applying discipline, and working hard to achieve” them.  When I read that I realized that I have not been working hard and applying discipline.  I get all cranky and annoyed because great things are happening to all these hard-working people around me while I wither away in a drab office everyday.

Well not this year!  The year 2013 is going to be a year of change!  New Mayan calendar cycle = new leaf turning-over.  This is my public declaration!  No more pity parties, no more sitting idly for things to magically happen for me.  I’m going to work hard, apply discipline, visualize my goals, and make things happen!  And so what if it’s taken me 28 years to get to the point I’m at (whatever point that is), the journey of life is different for everyone.  Some people become successful at an early age.  Others discover their calling later in life.  However it happens, we all get to enjoy each other’s talents at some point.  Hopefully I get to that point before I’m 67 years old.

I’ve known people who set goals for themselves regularly in order to stay on their desired path (of righteousness?) and I have oft thought that to be weird or new age-y.  But it may just be what I need to stay on/find my track.  Today I set some goals for myself.  Some short-term, some a little longer, but all for this year.  Deadlines.  But they SHOULD be called LIFE-lines!  HAHAHAHAHA!  Enough.  But seriously, I set goals to give myself something tangible to achieve in order to pave the way to achieve greater goals – conquests even – in years to come.  I find that I get overwhelmed by life and the many great things that I wish to accomplish, but I don’t know what to do now to make those big things happen.  Setting smaller goals helps to pave the way to the greater goals, like building blocks of a great pyramid.  I’m such a sage.  You may refer to me as Sage Guru Master Vaneesha.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go do some writing.  And maybe even work out.  Go set yourself some goals, maybe some intentions, and get back to me with your life’s accomplishments as they happen.  I would love to hear from you. 

May the universe smile upon you,
Sage Guru Master Vaneesha

Nervous Nerd Verse 2.0

Toots & Fruits

Once upon a time I was standing in a line,

An average line, to pay for groceries.

An old man made a fart that blew away my cart

Which was filled with all the means to make a snack.

I didn’t mention to him that I was on the brim

Of passing out right there b’cause of the fumes.

But as I paid for all my food, I started feeling really good

And I just started to giggle without remorse.

I didn’t know what was wrong, and then others joined along,

But no one knew why we were laughing, it’s just a fart.

The old man looked behind, a situation asinine

Unfolding before his eyes, like a cartoon.

And with a knowing grin perched upon his chin

He said he farts out fumes from smoking pot.

We didn’t know what to say – Standing in Safeway

Laughing b’cause we’re high on reefer fart!

The old man was a sweetheart, he went to fetch my cart,

And bought us all some snacks so we’d relax.

The moral of this tale: Don’t directly bail

If in line you stand behind a man that farts.

 

Don’t over-think it, Bruno Mars, this is all I need.

 

I’d make our house smell of Glade for you,

Be a manly French maid for you,

Board games? I’d LOVE to play,

Because you do so much.

I’d be your personal cook,

I’d read you erotic books,

Learn to undo bra hooks,

Because you do the same.

I’d pull the hair from the drain for you,

Massage your shoulders when strained,

I’d love your body AND brain,

Because you’re the best life-mate.

I’d write you romantic songs,

Let you hop on my dong,

Then hold you tight all night long,

Because I love you so.

Chavril: Canada’s Royal Wedding

Did you hear!?  Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne are engaged!  Big Canadian news!  I really have nothing against either of them.  I’m not a huge fan of either, but I am certainly not a hater either.  But why is it such a big deal and why do I feel so strangely about it? 

WHY IS IT WEIRD?

When I first read about Chavril’s engagement on Twitter, I thought “uhhgg, weird.  How did that happen?”  I was kind of grossed out at first, and for no good reason.  Then I realized it was because they are two of the biggest Canadian artists that we all just love to hate.  Maybe you’re jealous that Avril can pull off wearing boys’ underwear (when apparently that’s weird for the rest of us girls to do) or that Chad has the hair of an angel and you’re a 24 year old baldy.  Maybe you’re angry because they are two of the biggest names in Canadian music but don’t make any good music that Canadians can be proud of.  Or maybe you feel they lack talent in writing thought-provoking lyrics yet Mr. Kroeger makes enough loonies to afford a 24-karat (?!) diamond engagement ring.  (I imagine him wearing a kilt and swimming in his loonie-vault like Scrooge McDuck.)  Whatever the reason, we like to dislike them. 

And now they have found each other!  How lovely, right?  But weird.  I didn’t think sk8er gurls went for Albertan cock-rockers ten years their senior.  But then I recalled that Avril once did a cover of Metallica on stage and Nickelback is basically a poor man’s Canadian Metallica, so it makes more sense.  Poppy punk + cock-rock = POPPYCOCK!  I just love word play.  I’m probably going to marry it.  (YOU: “Where are all the song lyric puns then?”   ME: Shut up.)

WHY IS THIS A BIG DEAL?

The British had their Royal Wedding in April 2011 when William and Kate tied the knot. It was a real-life Cinderella story.  Now Canada gets to have its Royal Wedding: Chavril.  First of all, that name: Chavril.  We are a classy bunch, Canada.  And in case having the beaver, moose, and Mounties aren’t funny enough icons, now we’ll have plates and tins with Chavril’s wedding picture, and dolls of them (each holding a guitar).  Maybe they’ll do an album together and they’ll cover some Barenaked Ladies, Bryan Adams, Celine Dion, and the Canadian national anthem.  Eat it up world!  This is what we are!  It’s actually pretty funny the more I think about it.  Why wouldn’t two big Canadian musicians join forces in holy matrimony?  Oh Canada, you’re so cute. 

THE WEDDING

Canada’s Royal Wedding will be just as pleasant as the British Royal Wedding was, only less elegant and more…..Canadian (read: practical).  Here are some of my predictions for the Chavril nuptials, using my Canadian experience and keeping in mind Chavril’s background:

– a rural setting (a lake perhaps)

– lots of devil horn hand gestures

– black and/or studded leather

– mesh-back trucker hats (top hat style?)

– beer bong

– leather wrist bands

– lawn chairs (with bows) & elegant picnic tables

– blood red roses & gothic feel

– ladies: black eye liner

– men: hair gel

– Avril in a Gwen Stefani-style dress & a black tie (half Windsor)

weddingenthusiast.blogspot.com

– Chad in sunglasses and leather suit jacket with tails

They should just hire me to plan the event because obviously I know everything about them.  And there is absolutely nothing wrong with any of these wedding choices or the fact that these two are getting’ hitched.  Let’s just embrace our Canadian-ness, appreciate Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger for who they are, and be happy for them!  Because afterall, he’s just a boy and she’s just a girl.  Can I make it anymore obvious?  CONGRATULATIONS CHAVRIL!  (invite me) 

Girls vs. The Boys

Comedy giant and utterly fantastic specimen of a man, Adam Carolla recently made a comment on The Talk about how women are “always the least funny on the writing staff…dudes are funnier than chicks.”  I hope my sarcasm came through.  Now, despite my immense distaste for his comments, I’m not going to bash him here because many people have already and that’s not the point of this article.

What is my point, you ask?  Are men actually funnier than women?  I say yes and no.

I say yes because men by nature are more uninhibited risk-takers willing to say and do shocking things.  Men are great writers because they can fearlessly say whatever is on their minds and not care what people think.

But more strongly, I say NO!  Women are freakin’ hilarious!  And clever and quirky.  Believe it or not, men and women think VERY differently and therefore have different things to say.  However, in my view, women write more clever, intricate, relatable comedy while men more often go for the immediate shock value.  I’m not bashing dudes.  Women are just thinkers by nature, so why wouldn’t our writing reflect that.

In the comedy world, you have to weed through a lot of junk in order to get to the good stuff.  Out of all the comedians you see maybe only 30% are destined for greatness.  Since it’s a male-dominated industry and there are fewer women, you may have to wait a little longer and look a little harder for those great women.  But having said that, I also believe that there are a lot more crappy male comedians than female.  Mediocre men can hang around for yeeeeears while the crap ladies are weeded out pretty quick allowing the great ones to shine through.

A big part of comedy, like with many arts, is that it’s a matter of opinion.  Mr. Carolla feels that men are funnier.  But he also co-created The Man Show.  He is probably a big fan of dick and masturbating jokes, using “fuck” as a noun, verb, and adjective, and Two and a Half Men.  Admittedly, there are a lot of women that joke about menstruating, idiot husbands, shopping, voting, liberation, having a voice, and other shit chicks are into.  And it’s fine!  Who cares!  Writers write about what they know and experience, and gender just happens to be another pond to draw from.  Lindy West wrote a very passionate article for Jezebel.com called “Hey, Men, I’m Funnier Than You” in which she argues against the societal assumption and “research” that men are just biologically funnier than women.  She makes some very good points and makes me feel proud to be a female writer/comedienne.  That’s French for funny lady.  *hoity, toity French guffaw*

But it seems to me that women are foraging their way into the comedy world with real force, this last decade especially.  In a recent Refinery29.com article, “A Field Guide To The Funniest Lady Writers In Entertainment”, a handful of up-and-coming lasses are featured and they all have big projects on the horizon.  Comedy Queen Bee Tina Fey, whose babies I would have if she asked, made a HUGE statement with ‘30 Rock’.  I love the writing on that show, it’s quirky, unexpected, and multi-dimensional.  Real genius comedy writing is going beyond the obvious, base level of an idea and making it into something that you could write a unique TV show or movie out of.

Innovative, brilliant women are as hard to come by as innovative, brilliant men.  But watch out boys because the ladies are a-comin’ and they’re F-ing BRILLIANT!  Here are some of my personal lady-favourites: Chelsea Peretti, Chelsea Handler, and Carol Burnett.  Oh, and check out my radio interview I did for Co-op Radio Vancouver on July 23 regarding women in comedy(ffwd to 35:22).  I’m pretty amazing.  Now get out there and burn your bras!  Girl Power!